Therapy

Ahh. 

It's been awhile since I have come here for therapy. I think you can experience the highest highs and the lowest lows with motherhood. That may sound bad and socially unacceptable. But its the truth, at least sometimes for me. I blessed/cursed with the motherhood guilt. I'm quite certain sometimes I have messed Gaines up from the beginning. There were so many times that I think I took the low road as mom. And that is awful. I know I've talked about my guilt when he was a baby on here before. We went through a time where it was better. Lately, though I feel like I am back there. Frustrated. Lost for direction. Guilty. Inadequate. Mean, bad, mom. 

The thought "I wish our life could just go back to normal" keeps going through my mind. I know our situation is all but normal. I know I have turned Gaines' life upside down - going on a year now. I know he has no normal. No normal schedule. No normal house. No normal mama. There was once a time where we had "down time". We weren't high strung from 6.30am until 8pm. 

Before Anne Walker was born, I thought that me and her would be okay. But I was worried about me and Gaines. We had some rough spots at the beginning. I tried to smooth them out along the way last fall. I thought we were better. But looking back I am not sure I have smoothed anything. My patience is just pretty much non-existent and that is not fair to him. I keep looking for something to blame it on - this situation or that. He started changing last summer. I thought maybe the anticipation of the baby...the birth of the baby...his mama time shifting to daddy time...blah...blah...blah. I tell myself he really has done great with his sister - no jealousy time. But I can't say the same for us. I'm afraid our relationship has changed. People tell me its his age. Maybe it is. Whatever it is, it is challenging. I am afraid I'm not stepping up to the challenge. I am afraid he will remember how I have acted. I am afraid I will scar him for life. I don't know how to raise a boy or a five year old. 

He is my baby. My precious, obsessive, sweet, clean, mindful, smart, baby.