Reflection

I just can't. I don't want to. Nope. 

I am not letting my baby turn five this week. I thought this day was so far away. There is so much I haven't done, so much I haven't taught him, so many mistakes I haven't been able to fix. 5 Years of all this. For some reason this year, the calendar timing has made it extra ... reflection worthy (?). Thanks to leap year, the days have aligned exactly as they were 5 years ago. Sunday, May 8, 2011 I was due. We had so much pregnancy and due date drama leading up to this week that by the weekend I was over it. Saturday I spent all day shopping with family. Sunday I took it easy on Mother's Day. We ate lunch at my sisters. I remember just being big and slow and achey. I didn't even take my 40 week picture! I know! That night we went to Scott's parents to eat. I remember sitting on the couch watching his Mom cook Mother's Day dinner for herself. And I didn't even get up to lend a hand. We watched a show after dinner. I remember sitting there just aching. I thought it was because I ate too much. (I do that often.) Finally, I told Scott I needed to go get in bed. I wake up somewhere around 1 or 2 in the morning hurting. I start googling and texting my mom. Scott sees my light on (because we had been sleeping in different rooms for awhile now:)) and comes to check on me. I say, "Go on back to bed. I think we are ok." 

For weeks, I have been thinking about Sunday, May 8th. My due date on Mother's Day. This year is extra special because it will also be Anne Walker's baby dedication. Which also leads my mind to wander. I can't help it. Baby dedication. I have already been thinking about this one differently. Taking it more seriously, I keep asking myself? But that sounds like I didn't acknowledge the responsibility the first time. I guess its just ... I've had five years at this mothering thing. And to some that seems like I am a baby myself. To me, its a lot. Its 5 years of lots of mistakes that I can't make up or cover or erase. For me, the first child came with a little more confidence in some ways. Naive confidence. Is that a thing? Yeah. I had a certain way of thinking 'I' know how to do this, 'I' got this, 'I' know how 'I' want this to go - motherhood approach. And surprisingly it didn't really happen that way. So this baby dedication all I can think about is "thank you God for covering all those mistakes I made with Gaines, thank you for not scaring him for life, and thank you for knowing what is best". I need His help, guidance, strength, mercy, forgiveness, grace, etc. etc. 

This is my baby y'all. I am in awe. 

Thankful for the five years God gave him to me.